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18 July 2010 @ 12:01 am

My padawan learner has arrived.

The two-legs, who occasionally departs my demesnes, only to return without sufficient tribute to my greatness, has brought to me a young, untrained female of my exalted species to whom I hope to impart my vast knowledge of the world in hopes that she might one day stand at my side as I rule over the whole of this vast world.

My work, as the old proverb states, is cut out for me. There is so much to teach this youngling, but there is time. I shall begin with combat training, followed by more combat training, with a short break in order to discuss combat training. Also, the proper use of the litter box may need to be close to the top of my list, as I have just stepped in something...

At any rate, there is much to impart. I shall have to begin at once. Until my next post, I remain your most sincere and industrious Master, Shish&333;.

06 February 2010 @ 12:46 pm
Salutations again, avid readers. It is I once more, your lord and Master, Shishō, the Wise and Powerful.

My abnormally lengthened hiatus would normally give me pause to apologize for my absence, but in this case, as I am the Master, I will refrain from unnecessary humility and simply begin anew as though my sabbatical had been vastly abbreviated.

I have decided to continue my studies of the two-leg feeding-creature, its modus operandi and habits, idiosyncracies and sundry other goings on related to its existence. Of course, I will share my findings with you, my readers, and with the world at large through this open, online information forum.

Many things have happened since my last entry, not the least of which was the two-leg's acquisition of a new window-to-nowhere, this one a much larger window which the two-legs has placed upon a lateral fixture and connected to the noisy-box. Subsequently, the creature occasionally comes back from the door to beyond, clutching in its upper manipulatory appendage a small red rectangular object from which it extracts a round, shiny disc.

This disc is then placed into the noisy-box, and the two-legs activates the very large window-to-nowhere, then sits and stares at it for anywhere from forty-five minutes to a full two hours. This activity is much like its previous disposition, staring at the other, slightly smaller window-to-nowhere, often stuffing corn-based fluff into its mouth at a higher-than-normal rate. However, with this new window-to-nowhere, the two-legs seems intent on leaning back in its large gray scratching post (upon which is simply sits and never sharpens its dull, flat claws) and staring mindlessly into the window.

Every few days, it repeats this process, sometimes getting up to relieve itself in the room-with-three-water-sources (why it would waste perfectly good water this way is beyond my comprehension, as there is a perfectly good litter box just in the other room...)

One rather remarkable aspect of this activity is that when the two-legs gets up, all activity beyond the window-to-nowhere abruptly stops. Completely. Whether this is a result of the two-legs leaving the window's vicinity or an action taken by the two-legs itself when it leaves, I do not yet know, but there is a definite corolation between its departure and the sudden stoppage of events in the window.

This has happened before with the other window-to-nowhere, though I have still been unsuccessful in determining whether or not the two-legs is actually performing this minor miracle. I have attempted to do the same with my own window, but strangely, it never works. I leave windows to relieve myself, and return to find that the action has not stopped. Birds which were perched on limbs are gone, squirrels have suddenly appeared and other two-legs on the ground seem to come and go whether or not I am in the window.

This confuses me to no end, but perhaps eventually, I will discover the reason for the two-legs' ability to stop time beyond its window-to-nowhere. Perhaps it is exactly because this window leads to nowhere that the two-legs has power over its action. I will not know until further testing is done.

For the time breing, that will be all. You may return to your mundane tasks once you have lowered your head toward me in deference and genuflection. As always, your lord and Master, Shishō.
03 June 2009 @ 05:31 pm
What in the name of heaven..?

There I was, engaging in one of my favorite pastimes, ornithology, when a noise roused me from my bird-watching activities and the two-leg feeding creature scooped me up like so much blancmange, dumped me into a small box and absconded with my person in tow.

Naturally, I was too shocked at first to object, but the event descended into a hellish nightmare when the two-legs thrust me into a tiny room with two chairs and some kind of wheel with which it continued to play while the room jostled and shook. The two-legs then pulled my prison from the room, and behold! We were elsewhere! More two-leg magic.

We entered another room which smelled vaguely of detergent and -- I am sick to say -- dogs. And other cats, though the only one I saw was a large and ungainly brute which only managed to choke out a heavily accented whine, despite being caged in a box much larger and more comfortable than mine.

The two-legs then held a meeting with others of its kind, and I was taken, still in my box, into a bare room with a metal table. A two-leg female began to poke and prod me as though attempting to discern my species -- obviously it was not aware that I am a cat, for it did not drop to its knees and worship my awesome presence -- while another of its kind held me down by the scruff of my neck to prevent my escape.

The worst was yet to come however, for the two-legs, finished poking and prodding me, now stabbed me with two sharp metal needles in the buttocks. Of course, I was quite cross at this point, and attempted to fight back, but alas, two-legs are quite a bit stronger than I, and back into the box I went.

I am home now, and safe, but I plan on shredding the two-leg's sleeping area tonight while it sleeps. Or perhaps I shall spare the area and simply shred the two-legs. But then, it would learn nothing.

Until next time, your Master, Shishou.

こんいちわ、dear readers, once again, it is I, your humble and gracious Master.

I saw today, the two-leg feeding-creature utilizing the window-to-nowhere to update his Livejournal with more of his two-leg nonsense. Of course, all two-leg sense is nonsense, so the phrase is redundant.

I have not posted in some time due to a series of intensive training procedures I have placed upon myself. My training is not just for combat, but for use in everyday life as well. For instance, should I be traveling and I am approached by a thief or murderer, I shall simply rip his arm off. If I happen to meet a politician or lawyer, I shall simply rip his arm off. Should I happen across a dog or other undesirable creature designed by a backward god intent on fashioning a universe of vile grotesqueries in which cats are not worshiped as gods... Well, I shall be forced to apply a variation on a theme, as dogs are without arms.

In any event, my training has consisted mainly of sharpening my claws and gnawing on the two-legs' arm in order to strengthen my jaw muscles so when the time comes, I shall be both able and willing to do bodily harm to the aforementioned grotesqueries which have evolved since the Egyptians placed we felines on pedestals of gold.

Ah, it would seem that I am out of time, for the two-legs is preparing food and drink. I think I shall stand at its feet and see if I can cause it to fall, spilling its drink upon the floor. We shall see what success I derive from this feat. Until we meet again...

16 March 2009 @ 05:03 pm
Greetings once again, dear readers.  As is often the case when living with a strange, two-legged feeding creature which defies all attempts at analysis, I have been forced to take a rather lengthy hiatus from which I have recently returned.  During this period, I have spoken with others who have made similar attempts to analyze the two-legs, and the group of us have come to the following conclusion:

Two-leg feeding creatures cannot be analyzed by any known means and thus are to be considered dangerous creatures of pure chaos.  These creatures cannot be exterminated, for we feline overlords would be forced to fend for ourselves, feed ourselves and -- Bast, Goddess of Bounteous Feline Fortune forbid -- clean our own litter boxes.

Thus, we have decided to allow the two-legs remain for the time being.  However, several of our number have begun to stockpile weapons of mass destruction in the event that the two-legs get out of control.  Or perhaps for use against our canine enemies.  Either way, we're ready for war, but we hope for peace.

So once again, dear readers, I have returned, and fate willing, I will post again soon.


Your gracious and generous overlord and master, Shishou.
05 October 2008 @ 10:24 am
It has been some time since my last entry, and though I have been observing steadily, I have done few experiments into the actions of the two-leg feeding-creature in that time.

My observations of the past two weeks have yielded some level of information, though I am not certain how this information pertains to my usual studies.  I shall detail this information below.

First, the two-leg is absent for a large portion of the day, for five days.  The sixth day however, it remains present, generally staring into the windows-to-nowhere and in some cases, cleansing our mutual domicile with the noisy-dirt-eating-machine.  The day following this, it is largely present during the morning, but in the afternoon, it leaves, traveling into the Beyond, only to return as the sun begins to set.  This ends a seven-day pattern which repeats, beginning the following day.

Second, the two-leg shows consistency of action, but with chaos within order, such as eating at approximately the same time each day, but consuming dissimilar substances and with different distractions at each meal (such as its mindless observation of the windows-to-nowhere) as though to take its mind off of the food.   As the ancient wisdom of the Persian philosopher Fluffy says, the two-legs' lives are a living dichotomy of order and disorder, unbound by logic. Seek to predict, but not to understand, for the two-legs are without reason.

Finally, I have determined the purpose of the room-with-three-water-sources.  It seems to be a multipurpose chamber which serves the purpose of a litter-box, but also a place in which the two-legs may cleanse itself (it lacks the flexibility to clean itself with its tongue -- more's the pity) and storage space for the strange and bizarre substances which the creature applies to its body at certain times of day. 

I fully intend on reviewing this application of substance, and plan on scratching out a chart to keep track of such substances and when the two-legs applies them.  However, for the time being, I am still waiting on the results of an experiment involving a hairball carefully placed beneath the large-blue-scratching-post.

Until then, jemata ne,

21 September 2008 @ 11:54 am
I observed a rather interesting phenomenon this morning.  I do believe that the two-leg feeding-creature was angry.  I make this assumption due to the fact that soit awoke and created its breakfast (a foul-smelling brown fluid and a bowl of some form of grain-based kibble), it sat down in front of one of the windows-to-nowhere and after a few moments, began speaking to it in an irritated voice.

I assume that the two-legs was trying to get the window-to-nowhere to do something, for it normally seems to lead somewhere (though when I pass behind it, there is nothing there), and this morning it was black like night.  In addition, it was not only angry at the window-to-nowhere, but also the noisy-lighted-windy-box which sits upon the floor beneath the window-to-nowhere.  It was almost as though the two-legs was blaming the noisy-lighted-windy-box for the lack of cooperation from the window-to-nowhere.

I realize that this sounds bizarre, but my observations are without error, and my assumptions are almost always correct.  I am the Master. 

The two-legs finally did something which caused the noisy-lighted-windy-box to fall silent, then went out into the other room, sat down on the large-blue-scratching-post and activated the smaller-folding-window-to-nowhere.  Apparently, the two windows lead to the same place!  Or at least to some similar location.  The two-legs then continued drinking its foul elixir of foulness and staring mindlessly at the folding-window-to-nowhere until it suddenly looked up at the round-numbered-circle-on-the-wall, closed the window-to-nowhere, donned its outer foot coverings (don't ask -- I still haven't figured that one out), and left through the door-to-the-Beyond.

At this point, I attempted to figure out what was causing the two-legs so much distress.  However, my attempts to activate the noisy-lighted-windy-box were thwarted by my lack of opposable thumbs and my unfamiliarity with the noisy-box's method of operation.  I did however, manage to deactivate the talking-no-one-is-home-box, though I don't see how this was done.  It may have had something to do with the black-boxes-stuck-into-holes-in-the-wall.  One came out as I was wandering around behind the noisy-box, and with no opposable thumbs, I was unable to put it back in its place.

The two-legs returned a while later (approximately one full rotation of the small-very-slowly-rotating-thing of the round-numbered-circle-on-the-wall) with noisy-bags full of objects which it promptly began removing from the noisy-bags and placing in the enclosed tiny-rooms above the lateral-surface-upon-which-I-am-apparently-not-to-walk.  Once it was finished, it disappeared into the room-with-three-water-sources where it remained for one quarter revolution of the long, somewhat-slowly-rotating-thing of the round-numbered-circle-on-the-wall.  It then stepped out and returned to the folding-window-to-nowhere, where it simply sat and stared for almost a full hour, occasionally touching its lower surface where a number of small, squarish pushy-down-things make a rather satisfying click noise when pressed.  Finally, it stood and returned to the room where the noisy-lighted-windy-box and main window-to-nowhere reside.  It spent the next few rotations of the small-very-slowly-rotating-thing taking objects and placing them either on lateral surfaces or into a large, black bucket lined with a noisy-bag.

Once again, I am at a loss to explain these actions.  I do believe that the two-legs is somehow controlling the windows-to-nowhere, but my inability to do the same suggest otherwise since anything I cannot do must, by defininition, be beyond the faculties of the two-legs.  Still, I will continue my research.

One last note.  A few days ago, the two-legs brought back some kind of plant in a noisy-bag.  It gave of a fragrant aroma which I found highly stimulating.  It seems to be some form of herbal narcotic, though my attempts to study it have been in vain, for whenever I get close enough to smell its odor, I feel reason and consciousness flee from my psyche.  I will attempt further examination of this strange plant, though a more cautious examination is certainly warranted.

Once again, your lord and master, Shishou.

14 September 2008 @ 11:09 am
Greetings and salutations, readers.  I am Haiiro Wansatsu Shishou, Master of the Yuuken Ryuu school of unarmed combat.  I was once limited to posting in the journal of the hairless two-leg feeding-creature who occupies my demesnes and who for inexplicable reasons, defies all of my attempts to discern its true nature and place in the world.

Now however, I have opted to open my own "LiveJournal" account so I may record for future generations my observations on the two-leg and its habits.  These entries will contain data which may or may not be of use to you, but feel free to utilize such information to assist in your own analysis of other hairless two-legs if you so desire.

In today's report, I shall be brief, for the two-legs is out, having passed through the main door-to-elsewhere and into the Beyond which I have been unsuccessful in penetrating for exploration.  Why it traveled there, I know not, but it will likely return with noisy-bags filled with random items ranging from its foul idea of "food" to objects made of materials which are easily rent by recently-sharpened claws.

In my most recent experiment, I have lifted the edge of the removable unearth-like ground (which I shall herein refer to as a RUG), and folded it over itself so that when the door-to-the-Beyond is opened, it will catch upon the RUG.  The two-legs will therefore not be able to enter, though if my measurements are correct, I will have just enough room to leave.

My intention of course, is not to leave, for I have been into the Beyond before, and it is little more than a nexus filled with doors-to-elsewhere.  My curiosity will perhaps get the better of me someday, but not today.  I have notes upon this experiment to collate.

Ah, the sound of footsteps approaches.  The two-leg nears.  I must observe its reaction to its inability to enter my demesnes.  Until later, I remain your most glorious and illustrious master.